Survived May Long, boys weekend away!

Hi there! Yay, I survived May long weekend. The weekend that Lawrence and the Bergen boys go away, every year. Funny how I always know it is coming, and then "BAM" it hits. I actually wasn't dreading it, but man did I have a bad attitude. Don't really know what got over me, but my emotions were at there peak, and my mood was in the dumpster. I did do some fun things over the weekend though, got some good Kipe family time in. The weather actually held up for once in Manitoba and the boys had a nice sunny weekend.
I really need to work on my attitude though. I think I need to start having some good one-on-one time with God every day and draw strength from Him. Maybe I will start seeing a better side of myself then. If not for me, I need to do it for Lawrence and the kids!!

Thoughts from Beth Moore

So it has been awhile since I have written, but I went to a "Beth Moore" conference today on "So long Insecurity", boy was today the right day for that. I have been going through the last few years thinking I have come SO FAR in maturing in this area, well, I realized that I have not come anywhere. I am still SO SO insecure, especially in the area of relationships.
Now I realize that some of my friends may read this, and well, that is okay, maybe in reading this they will understand me better, forgive me for all the frustration that I cause them. I need to get my thoughts out of my head because they are driving me crazy.
I have GREAT friends!! I love them all so dearly. I realize today though that I am going to them, expecting them to boost me up, to make me feel secure and loved, but really that is totally WRONG!! (If you are reading this, and you know who you are, I am really sorry for putting this expectation on you!!) I need to be going to God, allowing HIM to fill me up with love, get my self-worth from HIM, then give that same love back to my friends and family. God thinks so much of me. He loves me so much!! I think NOTHING of myself. I am constantly looking at my imperfections and wanting to change them. Obsessing about them, to myself and everyone around me. Telling myself lies about myself and believing them. Always feeling like people don't really like me, they are just tolerating me, or liking me for awhile and then wanting to move on to someone better, more exciting. How can I truly live the life that God has meant for me to live, a victorious life in HIM, live for serving Him and those around me when I have such a crappy view of myself. It is wrong. I need to turn away from these thoughts, turn away from this view of myself and live a new life, a victorious life in Christ!! I am doing that today!! As Beth Moore said today, I need to say it, move forward in it, even if I don't believe it for the first while. The more we say it and do it and live in it, then it will get to our heart and emotions and we WILL believe it.
I want this. I want to live this. I want to live this for myself, for my children. I want my children to have GREAT self esteem, get security in who they are in Christ. I want to live this life so I can be a great wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend to those around me. I want to pour out love and a servants heart to those around me, so that people notice Christ's confidence in me.
So much food for thought. So much to process. So much to work on. I think a start for me is to read my Bible daily, and memorize God's words to me. For now, for today, these are my thoughts.

Why Perfection

I am having a crazy day, feeling like my emotional hormones are on overdrive, and I am wondering why?? Then I think I am trying to be this perfect person, and putting pressure on myself, then maybe that is why I am feeling crazy. I went out to mom's Bible study this morning, and had to bring snack. The snack I made last night didn't turn out very well, so instead of just bringing the one loaf that did turn out, (that would not look good for me to bring a less then presentable snack), I decide to make cookies. So then I am rushed, and almost hyperventilating when I sit down. My kids are crying upstairs, because I was rushed!! AHHHHHHH!! Pressure! Pressure to not look frazzled when I get there. Pressure to say I am doing well, with a genuine smile on my face. Pressure to have my kids looking washed and pressed when I get to Bible study. All this pressure that who puts on me?? ME!! What if I would have brought only one loaf? It would have been fine, Christie brought lots, I brought home over half my snack. Maybe if I would tone down MY expectations of MYSELF, and my family, things would be more settled at home, I would feel more settled and things would run more smoothly. Maybe?? Gotta think more on this.........

So Thankful!!

As I reflect on the last week and think of all the painting I got done, all I can think of is how thankful I am for family and friends. I don't know how I would live without family and friends close. I value relationships so much! I am a people person. Some people can live without people, I can't. I am so thankful so a wonderful husband who supports me in anything and everything. He has no trouble watching the kids if I need an evening out, or if I am working the weekend. I love him so, and thank God all the time for my best friend Lawrence Paul!!
I am so thankful that both our parents live within 5 minutes of us, and my farthest sibling is 30 minutes away. I have friends who are so giving and lend an ear of a hug at any time. I am so blessed!! Thank you so much Lord. You are so good!

Snowy Monday Morning

So this morning I wake up to find out that highways are closed and school is cancelled and we are all staying home! Not what I had planned for the day, but I am a little relieved! I just had 2 days of work, and kind of needed a break, but now I need to entertain 4 children inside, still with no basement.
So we all sat at the table and colored!! I am not one to usually sit down with my children and play, but you know what for about 10-15minutes we had PEACE in the house. Everyone sat quietly, even Jude sat on my lap and was quiet for about 5minutes! It was so wonderful, and I even took the time to enjoy and take it in. I actually enjoy coloring! Go figure.
I actually took some time at work yesterday to ponder work. I am finding now more then ever that I am starting to like my work. I think it is because I am starting to have some confidence in myself as a nurse. I am starting to learn, and retain knowledge (only after 8yrs and 4 mat. leaves!!). I am glad I chose not to give it up as I had cried about in the summer. God does things for a reason, hind sight is 20-20!! Why do we fight God?? I wonder that as I sit here watching my 3 girls fight this morning. They fight themselves and then me as I try to correct them, and we fight God as he tries to lead us. He knows better then us, and I know better then my children. But in neither situation anyone learns at the time to not fight the other!! (Does that make any sense?? At least I know what I mean.) Why am I scared to let God lead my life, when I KNOW that He knows best? Life is all about learning, but I never seem to learn. I must like banging my head against a wall!! LOL!
Not sure where this blurb is going this morning, but I had some thoughts and learned a couple things today. #1: I like to color with my kids #2: I am slowly liking my job better, still don't like leaving my kids, but when I am at work I like what I do.
That is enough for a snowy, slow paced Monday morning!

Here goes nothing!

Okay, so I know this is no big deal to a lot of people but I have been TERRIFIED to start blogging! Why....I think mostly because the thought of thinking about my thoughts and what is in my head is terrifying to me. I am the type of person to stuff my thoughts way down so that I never have to deal with them, but right now life is creeping up on my and I feel like they need to go somewhere.

I feel like life is changing hugely for me right now and I need to figure out what is what and deal with it. I don't know how, so I am trying this. I need to open up and bloom, bloom to be what God is making me to be, and to do that I need to actually ponder things and figure out what kind of person 32 yr old Mandy is.
Seems strange that I would only feel the need to do that at 32yrs old and not sooner, but I kind of new how my life should flow before this. I felt like I had a plan and that it was God's plan too, a plan to get married and have babies. Now I don't know where to go from here. What does a mom of older kids look like? How do I raise them to be proper girls, girls of love and compassion, girls that want to serve the Lord with all there hearts? I feel that I don't know what life looks like from here and that scares me. I am scared! Wow, so that is how I feel. My heart is full of fear, fear of the unknown, fear that I will make a mess of things. And I might, then what? Maybe I fix it, or leave it for God to fix.

Well, I started....started the journey.....so here goes nothing!